Dumbing Down of America

It took us a while to get here, but the dumbing down of America is almost complete. This statement comes as no surprise to those whose job it is to chronicle the gradual dissolution of the old American can-do spirit, the rugged risk-taking pioneer attitude that conquered the West, thus freeing the nation from ravaging hordes of bison and dispatching the last of 5 billion passenger pigeons.

Today’s citizen wants above all to be safe. Safe from everything -- germs, terrorists, halitosis, any untoward results from such disparate events as blind dates, cosmetic surgery, and executive harassment. Risk-taking, except for the likes of Evel Knievel and maybe Geraldo Rivera, is pretty much reduced to an occasional jay-walking episode or bravely tearing off one of those "Do not remove" warnings on a new mattress. Even then, the realization of what could happen as a result of these transgressions weighs heavily on the mind. "In God we trust, but play it safe anyway!" that’s our motto.

During the past generation or so, premonitions of disaster and dire predictions of impending tragedy were the sole responsibility of our mothers, which is why today you never run with a sharp stick and always look both ways before crossing the street in clean underwear. Mothers were very clear on this. But as society became more complex and the development of common sense was stifled by the sports and entertainment industries, opportunities for personal harm became too prevalent. Mothers couldn’t handle the volume of warnings necessary, so the federal government and industry have taken over, giving mothers a much-needed respite.

Industry, prodded by an anxious government, has been quick to assume the role of Mother Protector. We recently bought a new iron. Black & Decker, the manufacturer, was fortunately right there with appropriate warnings in three languages directing us to "Use iron only for its intended use." Thank heaven we didn’t use it as part of a juggling act or to brand the dog. B&D also cautioned us against electric shock occasioned by "immersing the iron in water or other liquid." What other liquid? That effectively canceled our plan to defrost Jello with it. Finally, the warnings conclude with the startling revelation that "Burns can occur from touching hot metal parts. Always direct the steam vents away from your body." We didn’t know that. There goes one of the main features of a steam iron -- touching up wrinkles without disrobing!

The makers of Preparation H Suppositories have considerately printed this warning on the box: FOR RECTAL USE ONLY. Apparently this has been a big problem for manufacturer Wyeth Consumer Healthcare. Many irate customers have written in, one assumes, complaining that they had chewed up a whole box of these things with no decrease in the original problem even though they could whistle better.

The makers of curling irons and hair dryers, correctly assessing the astuteness of some of their customers and wishing to forestall inevitable litigation, warn against using their products in the shower or while taking a bath. Well, for heaven’s sake! I have always dried my hair while taking a shower. This changes everything!

When was the last time you incinerated a can? According to every aerosol can on the market, puncturing and incinerating cans is still foremost on the manufacturers’ minds. This is probably because of little tyke arsonists who can’t read the accompanying warning to KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Mothers who haven’t defined "incinerate" for their kids will be violating Federal laws. It goes on.

Warning: High step, low step, no step. Caution: Do not plunge lighted sparkler in your eye. Careful! Objects are much closer than they appear. Walk, don’t walk. Do not pass until safe to do so. Excessive exposure to the sun can be painful. Note: Use of this product may cause constipation, diarrhea, temporary blindness, loss of hair, stomach cramps and excessive earwax. Consult physician or faith healer if you experience peripheral numbness affecting the operation of bulldozers and other heavy equipment.

What’s happening to us? When did the image of Duke Wayne give way to that of Pee Wee Herman? When did fear become the controlling factor in our lives? How could a person successfully sue a fast food outlet for not telling her that the coffee she ordered and later spilled in her lap was hot? When will common sense and personal responsibility make a comeback? Probably not until all the lawyers are deceased.

Mommy!