Robert E. Horseman, DDS

What To Give a Dentist

Copyright 1998 Robert E. Horseman, DDS

Approaching at speeds in excess of Mach 2 is the holiday season again. Although the nation's retailers have long been lobbying to eliminate Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving as annoying speed bumps to the serious financial adjustment period of Christmas/Hanukkah, they've only managed so far to downgrade Columbus Day. Bank and federal employees, along with elements of the Italian Anti-defamation League, have successfully blocked the complete elimination of this vital holiday -- and more power to them; we need more bank holidays to supplement "Please Don't Mug Our ATM Customers Day" and the week-long celebration of ".02% Interest On Passbook Savings Extravaganza."

The so-called "gentleman's agreement" to not display Christmas decorations until the last fireworks have sputtered out on July 4th is still in effect, at least for the time being, pending legislation to rescind it.

The point is, the burning question of what to give a dentist is something that must be addressed by families right now before the winter solstice is upon us. It is safe to assume that every dentist who wants one or more of the standard reception rooms signs -- "Payment is expected at time services are rendered unless other financial arrangements have been made," "We cater to cowards," "You don't have to floss all your teeth, only those you want to keep," and "No tank tops or flip-flops" -- already has them. Fortunately for gift-givers, recent federal, state, county and local regulations have made the problem of what to give much easier. Sterilization of handpieces has made the presentation of a new handpiece the primo gift of the season.

Manufacturers of handpieces, recognizing their enviable position at the top of the list, and knowing their product can only last a few sterilization cycles before it is rendered hors de combat, have been quick to emulate those entrepreneurs of the fruit industry, Harry and David. For only a few thousand dollars, The Handpiece-of-the-Month Club will see that a brand-new, fresh handpiece is delivered right to your operatory each month with a complementary can of lubricant. Optional, but a thoughtful touch, is a spare turbine and a nice selection of O-rings.

Devotees of catalog buying should definitely check out both The Sharper Image and Danmark's offerings this year. Since the deregulation of the phone company and the introduction of amusing pleas for your long distance business, telephones have become much more sophisticated, to match, one supposes, the innovations in the billing services. A phone that should appeal to dentists comes with miniature circuits designed in Bulgaria, manufactured in China and assembled in Mexico. These contain chips that are capable of detecting whines, aggression and varying degrees of obtuseness. Once detected, the caller is obliged to go through a complicated series of the familiar "press 1," press 2," press 3, 4 and 5" gambits until he or she gives up in disgust. You can image what this would do for the morale of the whole office.

Stocking stuffers for dentists are always a problem. Tangerines, nuts and knick-knacks commonly found in Cracker Jacks just don't cut it this season. Likewise, a microfiche of everything that's published on Direct Reimbursement is passé. Slim little packets of impossible-to-open toothpaste samples containing 2 mg of paste and miniature decanters of plaque-dissolving liquids in red and green holidays hues, are also well down on a dentist's wish list.

What would be sure to please is a supply of special water in 50-gallon drums in designer colors that could be stored along the hall walls or in your bathroom if you have one. This water is certified by the manufacturer (H2O "R" Us) to be bacteria-free, mineral-free and guaranteed to flow in only one direction, i.e., forward. For those dentists still concerned about the purity of their water, H2O "R" Us offers a kit containing enough hydrogen and oxygen in their natural state to make 75 liters of liquid. Having never been water before, this compound is warranted to be free of contaminants other than what the dentist inadvertently introduces himself, in which case the company is not liable. It should be noted, the company says, that homemade water is omnidirectional and that any backflow problems encountered during its use are, again, not the company's responsibility.

Instructions on how to incorporate this gift into the dentist's existing system will be forthcoming, suppliers assure us. In the meantime, it would give him something to do other than worry about actual dental treatment on actual people.

When asked by perplexed relatives what I would really like for the obligatory holiday gift, my standard response has always been, "Just give me the money." Up until now, this has always been met with either derision or downright hostility and I have come to realize that I wasn't specific enough. This year I am pleased to point out the existence and availability of the note with a favorite of mine, Ben Franklin, displayed right on the front and just to the left of center. I would love to have several of these and would cherish them as long as it took to pay off the reminders in January that my account is overdue.

The burning question of what to give a dentist is something that must be addressed by families right now before the winter solstice is upon us.

When asked by perplexed relatives what I would really like for the obligatory holiday gift, my standard response has been always been, "Just give me the money."