A Breath of Fresh Air

* Washington, D.C. -- The American Geophysical Union warns that ozone depletion, particularly over the Northern Hemisphere, is more severe than had been previously thought. Much of this is attributed to the Senate race in New York.

* www.oxygentherapy.com -- Air pollution remains a major threat to Americans, contributing substantially to the nation’s ill health burden. Scientists expect no improvement in air quality until political air time is severely restricted.

* www.lungusa.com -- More than 132 million Americans live in areas that received an "F" for air pollution in an annual report by the American Lung Association. Perrier, progenitor of the bottled water craze, is about to mount a massive ad campaign for its new bottled air product (OxyMoxie), due out this fall.

* Los Angeles -- For the first time since record keeping began, Houston’s level of ozone concentration exceeded the levels of former champ Los Angeles. L.A. city fathers have vowed to regain the title this summer.

* Detroit -- The Detroit News reports that Toronto’s O₂ Spa Bar is North America’s first oxygen bar and quotes Lissa Charron, co-owner, as stating, "Literally, people come here to get a breath of fresh air."

What’s going on here? While we in the dental profession have been concentrating on the hazards of biofilm in our waterlines and whether the emergence angle of our veneers is correct, the world has been running out of oxygen, and the ozone layer is thinning and developing holes like a lace doily.

Let’s get our priorities right here, people! The Red Cross and various city, county and state emergency agencies have thus far failed to mobilize. The governor has declared no crisis and Rosie O’Donnell has been uncharacteristically mute on the subject. Barbara Walters has yet to interview a single anoxia victim. But without official sanction, enterprising and civic-minded citizens are opening oxygen-dispensing facilities all over the continent.

Dentists -- who, by federal edict, have oxygen available at all times in their offices -- seemingly have ignored this vital adjunct to their practice for reasons that are not quite clear. Instead, we have blithely glossed over blue-tinged lips and indigo fingernails, incorrectly assuming they were Revlon’s new summer hues.

Patients’ odd and sometimes eccentric behavior has been diagnosed as postmenopausal, mid-life crisis-oriented, or pure cussedness when the real reason was right before our eyes. Underwater divers readily recognize the phenomenon as "rapture of the deep" or nitrogen narcosis. This condition was heretofore confined to divers going too deep underwater and staying too long.

This is exactly what is happening now on the surface as our O₂/nitrogen ratio drops. So says Mr. Ed McCabe (Mr. Oxygen), who can be found endorsing a product called Hydroxygen Plus on the Web. McCabe, who was recently released from 547 days in jail on an unrelated matter, states that the product synergistically combines oxygen, hydrogen, minerals and 34 metabolic and digestive enzymes to alleviate "this problem."

This problem, he says, seems to be that we are simply not getting enough oxygen. Ed confirms that most viruses, parasites, bacteria, fungus and pathogens are anaerobic and therefore cannot live in oxygen. Ed is pretty sure about this and so are a lot of others. Thus, the proliferation of oxygen bars where, for $16 for 20 minutes of refreshment, you can pop in off the street, insert a canula up your nasal passages and "chat, drink juice, relax, whatever."

Ninety-nine percent pure oxygen may appear to be short of the mark to some individuals who are used to nothing but the best. Even Ivory soap is 99 44/100 percent pure. They can be appeased by ordering flavored air -- orange, kiwi or lemon-lime -- as an extra cost upgrade.

Should a customer inhale more than his or her 20-minute limit, become over-euphoric and demand one more whiff for the road, the oxygen barkeep has the same moral obligation to refuse service as a regular liquid-bar attendant. Naturally, designated drivers will soon be the norm for inebriates who experience an oxy-kiwi high, and, inevitably, 12-step programs will have to be formed for oxyholics.

Meanwhile, avant garde dentists are offering the oxygen-deficient public Smile Clinics and Halitosis Centers. Without even a health factor to justify their existence, these enterprises emerge as opportunistic at best. Is this pathetic, or what? We are not suggesting that they be abandoned, important as they are to the economy and national defense, but if dentists are to continue to merit the trust and loyalty of their patients, they must rethink their office air. Biofilm in the water can wait.

Here’s what you do: O₂ Consulting, which can be found on the Net at www.oxygen4u.com, will aid in setting up an oxygen bar in your office; or, as a sort of getting-your-feet-wet introduction, they will cater an oxygen party for you.

An oxygen party sounds like loads of fun. Matt or Bran of party@oxygen4u.com describe it this way: "You sit next to a large hookah with four sprawling tentacles like an industrial octopus and flasks of water bubbling at the end of each limb. The oxygen ‘aperitif’ comes in orange, mint, or lemon flavors (you can even come away feeling happy, focused, or invigorated by the addition of ‘special’ aromatherapies). The gaseous cocktail bubbles away as the tubing is wrapped around your ears and put up your nose."

Just the ticket to abort that bloato feeling after a spree among the carbohydrates. As described, this party would seem to be an even greater attraction than the popular sensory deprivation tank soiree.

Exciting as all this is, somebody was bound to pop up with a gloom component. That would be Dr. Norman H. Edleman, medical affairs consultant for the American Lung Association.

"From a purely scientific point of view," he says, "it’s hard to substantiate what the benefits could be. Maybe restricted to 20 minutes of consumption, the risks could be minimal, but pure oxygen can be an irritant; taking it could be dangerous to people with severe chronic bronchitis or emphysema." Obviously oxygen can be addictive. Accurate figures on how many people are already dependent on the gas just to make it through their day are not available. It should also be noted that going "cold turkey" is not a recommended treatment modality since addicts seldom live more than 10 minutes upon withdrawal.

You might as well tell patrons of Starbucks that coffee will keep them awake, especially if they drink $16 worth in 20 minutes. There will be those few foot draggers who think 80 cents a minute for something they’ve been getting for free up till now is excessive. We can only remind them of some of the innovative ideas that have made America what it is today, such as the Tucker automobile; the new, improved Coca Cola; sitcom laugh tracks; and the Nehru jacket.

So dust off that O₂ tank in your office that’s been waiting for a dental emergency for years. Don’t be caught waiting at the post when that first über-hip patient demands a couple liters of the pure stuff, even if it’s not a covered benefit.