As Good as It Gets

Apparently the late Peggy Lee was right when she lamented in song years ago "Is That All There Is?" At least that is the position taken by Professor Steve Jones of University College London in presenting his argument at a Royal Society Edinburgh debate "Is Evolution Over?"

"Things have simply stopped getting better, or worse, for our species," claims Professor Jones. He is one of a group of biologists who believe our species has reached its biological peak and is no longer capable of changing. "If you want to know what Utopia is like, just look around -- this is it," says the professor, who has possibly been narcotized by long-term exposure to British television.

His view is controversial, however. In the first place, how much credibility can you give to a highly placed professor named Steve Jones? This is a name for a salt-of-the-earth guy running a back hoe for Municipal Maintenance in Cleveland. To make profound statements that carry any weight in the scientific community, you need an improbable name such as Professor Heinrich Krautzmeyer, followed by a string of initials, to bolster your hypothesis.

Another Brit, with the plebian moniker of Professor Chris Stringer of the Natural History Museum, London, represents the opposite camp. If we were counting on Stringer’s view to cheer us up, however, we are doomed to disappointment. He demurs, "Evolution is going on all the time. For example, brain size has decreased over the past 10,000 years. We are punier and smaller-brained compared with our ancestors only a few millennia ago. - Evolution does not automatically mean an improvement in our lot." Which is exactly what many of us puny, small-brained people have been demonstrating since the evolution of music into present-day cacophony.

It might be held that London’s dismal weather is responsible for both these depressing views, but along comes biologist Christopher Wills of the University of California, San Diego, where California’s most salubrious climate is said to prevail. He postulates that ideas are driving our evolution and that there is a premium on sharpness of mind and the ability to accumulate money. Intellect, he claims, is the defining characteristic of our species and is what is still driving our evolution. If that were so, one would expect to see a diminishment of simple knuckleheadedness over the past century or so, a phenomenon not in evidence.

Not so fast, says Peter Ward, of the University of Washington in Seattle, where the sun last appeared in 1947, "I don’t think we are going to see any changes -- apart from ones we deliberately introduce ourselves." He means the bioengineering of people by introducing genes into their bodies so they live longer or are stronger and healthier. With Cher and Michael Jackson as examples, this approach does not augur well.

In summary, the wisdom of people who have spent upwards of 25 years in study distills to this:

* Evolution has come to a halt; this is as good as it gets.

* Evolution is ongoing with the speed of library paste, but things are not necessarily going to improve and, in fact, might get worse.

* Evolution is a hoax perpetuated by unconscionable opportunists. Everything was created in six days and that’s that.

It would seem that biologists are no more trustworthy than economists. It’s the TMI syndrome (too much information) that has addled the pates of both professions. For all of us who were lucky to get out of high school chemistry and biology with a "C," the answer is clear -- discount completely the opinions of anybody bearing the title "professor."

Cherish the hope that morons who drive 20 mph in the fast lane with a right-turn blinker flashing will eventually evolve into, at the very least, pedestrians. Believe with all your diminishing intellect that good manners will make a comeback, that society will no longer tolerate willful boorishness and that baseball caps will eventually return to their correct alignment even though the brain of the wearer is visibly shrinking. If you like, hold fast to the notion that evolution will eventually mold the idiotic pros and imbecilic cons of society into one mind. Go gently into that good night -- you should live so long.